Edinburgh Fringe Comedienne Fielding Edlow shares her 5 things to do today

  1. I honestly recommend staying in bed for as long as possible. Here in Los Angeles, the smog has reached an all-time high level of pollution and is considered terrible for “sensitive groups.” Also, now that my wasband has been removed from the house, I no longer wake up next to a snoring truffle pig who talks in his sleep, so I like to roll around to “his side”, then the middle and then back to my side shouting, “I’m no longer getting lost in the role of my life!” 

Most people do their job from bed nowadays. Not just the irritating 22 year-old microdosing millennial named Meadow Running Brook – a lot of people. I know most people say, “successful people get up early” or something banal like that… Elon Musk and his child, “bar code” or whatever he calls them probably doesn’t saunter out of bed at 10:45 am but hear me out. Just loll about. Swing your legs back and forth. Stay in the dream state. Yodel. Scream, “Can an off-duty burly fireman bring me an espresso, an acai bowl, and a willingness to show me his fiery pecker?”

  1. Avoid social media. I do a thing called Screen-Free Sundays. It doesn’t have to be Sunday. Maybe try it for a day and… if you’re never on it, well congratu-f**king-lations. You are better than us. Stick your phone in a drawer, lock it and then throw it into the gullet of a nearby non-feral raccoon. 

Start going through your sock and undies drawers and throw away anything that doesn’t make you go, “Ahhh, I am a Yiddish Salma Hayek or at least a less annoying Peppermint Patty.” Then put on a tiara (or crown) and start a vision board in glitter. Play jacks with yourself.

  1. Now that you’re off Twitter, Facebook, and TikTok, drive to a neighborhood you don’t normally frequent and visit their local book store. Buy a book (and a cute card) by a female author cause men kinda need to be quiet for a year (sorry, I’m an unhinged, new divorcee who’s recently off men, meds, and macarons) and take your new book and have a picnic by yourself. If anybody comes up to ask you what time it is just yell, “Do not interrupt my artist date! Go save Jakarta, which is sinking as we speak!” Then notice the blue jays, robins, oak trees and just sit and stare and be in nature. You don’t need a Brene Brown podcast (which can feel aggressive at times), in fact you can start a podcast but just know you’ll be the only listener.
  1. Now use that notecard you bought at the book store to reach out to somebody who needs a boost, whether they’re mentally, physically, spiritually sick or probably all three. Everybody right now is either in a medically induced coma, high on molly, or an emotional vampire. Let’s appreciate each other. 

People don’t write notes anymore, but you do. Write a love note or a neutrally friendly one and you will see that by the time you get to licking the stamp, you will feel exponentially better. Also, put a googly sticker on it because postal workers need a boost and if they happen to arrive while you’re taking it to the mailbox, offer them a cool grapefruit La Croix. Or maybe YOU ARE THE COOL DRINK OF WATER and now you’re going to share my list with your epistolary lover. 

  1. Finally, rinse and repeat. As we say in some circles here in LA, take what you want and leave the rest…

Fielding Edlow will perform Gaslighting Is My Love Language at the Edinburgh Festival at 7.10pm in Just the Tonic at the Grassmarket (The Meeting Room) from 3rd – 13th August.

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