Read Gary Delaney’s funniest one liners

Gary Delaney is currently on his UK Gary in Punderland tour. Here are some of his funniest jokes to tempt you!

Gary in Punderland Tour

Gary Delaney One Liners
  • 50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much.
  • The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. 
  • My French pen friend just said ‘Le Monde’, which means the world to me.
  • I used to be into ham radio, but all I could hear was crackling.
  • I’m never jogging behind a Council van in Winter ever again, he said through gritted teeth.
  • Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school? Or does that make me a bad teacher?
  • The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise. I shouted ‘Stop!’ but if anything that made it worse.
  • I’ve just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. I hope he likes them. 
  • I owe so much money to my herb seller that he’s threatened to send round the bay leafs.
  • Apparently ‘Dance like no one is watching’ doesn’t mean ‘With your cock out’
  • I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now he’s got a butterfly cake.
  • The tensest crowd I’ve ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box. 
  • One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died. 
  • Say what you like about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.  
  • We can’t even afford a garden, so when my wife bought us a trampoline I hit the roof. 
  • My Uncle’s a lion tamer, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at least he’s still got his pride
  • A man ran up to me shouting, ‘Big hole in the ground full of water, big hole in the ground full of water’, but at least he means well. 
  • I recently entered a competition to see who’s gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously it wasn’t called that, it was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’. 
  • I’ve given up making innuendos for Lent, but it’s getting really hard now and I’m not sure if I can pull it off.
  • Today someone told me that I look good with a salt ‘n’ pepper beard, so I took that as a condiment.
  • Suggs just asked me what my preferred pronouns are. Honestly it’s madness gone politically correct.
  • I tell you what makes my blood boil, faulty spacesuits. 
  • I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a man’s arm.
  • I recently took my naval exams. I got seven Cs. 
  • Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn T’wages.
Gary Delaney One Liners