Read Gary Delaney’s funniest one liners

Posted by 5thingstodotoday on 19/03/2022 in 5 Things To Do Today | 1 Comment

Gary Delaney is currently on his UK Gary in Punderland tour. Here are some of his funniest jokes to tempt you!

Gary in Punderland Tour

• 50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much.
• The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry. 
• My French pen friend just said ‘Le Monde’, which means the world to me.
• I used to be into ham radio, but all I could hear was crackling.
• I’m never jogging behind a Council van in Winter ever again, he said through gritted teeth.
• Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school? Or does that make me a bad teacher?
• The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise. I shouted ‘Stop!’ but if anything that made it worse.
• I’ve just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. I hope he likes them. 
• I owe so much money to my herb seller that he’s threatened to send round the bay leafs.
• Apparently ‘Dance like no one is watching’ doesn’t mean ‘With your cock out’
• I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now he’s got a butterfly cake.
• The tensest crowd I’ve ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box. 
• One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died. 
• Say what you like about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.  
• We can’t even afford a garden, so when my wife bought us a trampoline I hit the roof. 
• My Uncle’s a lion tamer, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at least he’s still got his pride
• A man ran up to me shouting, ‘Big hole in the ground full of water, big hole in the ground full of water’, but at least he means well. 
• I recently entered a competition to see who’s gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously it wasn’t called that, it was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’. 
• I’ve given up making innuendos for Lent, but it’s getting really hard now and I’m not sure if I can pull it off.
• Today someone told me that I look good with a salt ‘n’ pepper beard, so I took that as a condiment.
• Suggs just asked me what my preferred pronouns are. Honestly it’s madness gone politically correct.
• I tell you what makes my blood boil, faulty spacesuits. 
• I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a man’s arm.
• I recently took my naval exams. I got seven Cs. 
• Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn T’wages.

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