Read Gary Delaney’s funniest one liners
Gary Delaney is currently on his UK Gary in Punderland tour. Here are some of his funniest jokes to tempt you!
- 50 percent of people who go to watch The Cure actually end up watching Placebo, and enjoy it just as much.
- The study of why triangular sandwiches taste better is known as trigonom-nom-nomnometry.
- My French pen friend just said ‘Le Monde’, which means the world to me.
- I used to be into ham radio, but all I could hear was crackling.
- I’m never jogging behind a Council van in Winter ever again, he said through gritted teeth.
- Is it OK that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school? Or does that make me a bad teacher?
- The worst thing about living next door to MC Hammer is the constant DIY noise. I shouted ‘Stop!’ but if anything that made it worse.
- I’ve just bought Spider-Man pyjamas. I hope he likes them.
- I owe so much money to my herb seller that he’s threatened to send round the bay leafs.
- Apparently ‘Dance like no one is watching’ doesn’t mean ‘With your cock out’
- I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now he’s got a butterfly cake.
- The tensest crowd I’ve ever seen was at the funeral of the man who invented the Jack-in-the-box.
- One time there was a fire at a voodoo doll factory and 10,000 people died.
- Say what you like about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table.
- We can’t even afford a garden, so when my wife bought us a trampoline I hit the roof.
- My Uncle’s a lion tamer, when he went bankrupt they took nearly everything, but at least he’s still got his pride
- A man ran up to me shouting, ‘Big hole in the ground full of water, big hole in the ground full of water’, but at least he means well.
- I recently entered a competition to see who’s gained the most weight and lost the most hair. Obviously it wasn’t called that, it was advertised as a ‘School Reunion’.
- I’ve given up making innuendos for Lent, but it’s getting really hard now and I’m not sure if I can pull it off.
- Today someone told me that I look good with a salt ‘n’ pepper beard, so I took that as a condiment.
- Suggs just asked me what my preferred pronouns are. Honestly it’s madness gone politically correct.
- I tell you what makes my blood boil, faulty spacesuits.
- I spent this morning swanning around the town centre, I hissed at people and broke a man’s arm.
- I recently took my naval exams. I got seven Cs.
- Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn T’wages.